The Sermon on the Sidewall: Thou Shalt Check Thy PSI
Opening Scripture
From The Gospel of Grip Tape, Chapter 4, Verses 1–6
And the Wheel rolled upon the earth, and the tire was filled neither too much nor too little.
And the rider said, “Surely PSI mattereth not,” and the Wheel made the face of disappointment.
For the sidewall remembereth what the rider forgetteth.
Too soft, and thou shalt wallow. Too hard, and thou shalt bounce.
Blessed is the gauge-holder, for they shall carve in peace.
Woe unto the guesser, for the pavement shall correct them swiftly.
I. The Sacred Sidewall Speaks
Wheelievers, today we gather not to shout, not to shred, but to kneel beside the tire and listen. For the sidewall is a prophet. It speaketh in numbers. It whispereth truth in PSI.
Many riders pray for smoother rides. Many beg the firmware for mercy. Many curse pushback, battery sag, and range anxiety as if these are random plagues. But I tell you: half your suffering comes from ignoring the tire like it’s just “down there.”
The sidewall is not decoration. It is scripture written in rubber. It tells you how much air is righteous. It tells you when you have gone astray. And still, some wheelievers say, “Eh, feels fine.” FEELS FINE IS NOT A MEASUREMENT.
Too low, and thy carve becomes a swamp. Thy speed wobbles multiply. Thy regen braking feels like stepping into oatmeal. Too high, and every pebble preacheth a sermon directly into thy knees. Balance is not guessed. Balance is inflated.
And yes, the perfect PSI is different for each body. The Round knoweth thy weight. The Round knoweth thy stance. But the Round will not stop you from riding foolishly. It will simply document the lesson in bruises.
II. Commandments of the Tire (And Blessings of the Inflated)
Hear now the laws, etched invisibly into every pump handle:
Thou Shalt Check Thy PSI, Even When Thou Art Late.
Being late is temporary. Speed wobbles are eternal.
Thou Shalt Not Inflate Based on Vibes.
Vibes are liars. Gauges are faithful.
Thou Shalt Not Say, “It Was Fine Yesterday,” For Yesterday Had Different Air.
And receive the blessings, wheelievers, for obedience bringeth comfort:
Blessed be the properly inflated, for their carve shall be smooth.
Blessed be the sidewall reader, for their ankles shall remain loyal.
Blessed be the fendered, for they shall not be baptized by puddles while adjusting PSI mid-ride.
Some of you trust firmware more than air. Some of you argue with pushback but never with the pump. This is backwards faith. The Wheel is holy, but rubber is involved.
If thou wouldst reduce nosedives, start not with courage but with pressure. The Round respects preparation far more than confidence.
III. Call-and-Response of the Faithful Pump
Wheelievers, raise your gauges high and repeat after me.
Leader: When the ride feels strange beneath our feet
Wheelievers: WE SHALL CHECK OUR PSI.
Leader: When speed wobbles tempt us to panic
Wheelievers: WE SHALL CHECK OUR PSI.
Leader: When we blame firmware, weather, or Mercury in retrograde
Wheelievers: WE SHALL FIRST CHECK OUR PSI.
YES. Let the pump be mightier than the excuse.
For the Round testeth us not only with hills and headwinds, but with humility. And humility often sounds like air escaping.
IV. The Parable of the Speed Bump and the Soft Tire
Now hear a parable from The Scrolls of Stance, told wherever riders gather and shake their heads knowingly.
There was once a wheeliever named Tobias the Confident. Tobias had ridden many miles and therefore believed himself above the gauge. One morning, his tire was low, but he said, “I will deal with it later.” Later, wheelievers, is where lessons wait.
As Tobias rode, he approached a speed bump, small, friendly, clearly marked. He bent his knees. He trusted his stance. He leaned with faith. But the tire, being underinflated and tired of lies, folded like a bad argument.
The bump was not impressed. Tobias was launched gently but firmly into reflection. His board survived. His dignity did not.
As he lay upon the ground, Tobias learned the moral written on every sidewall: what you ignore on the pump, you will confront on the pavement.
He now rides with a gauge in his pocket and peace in his heart.
Weekly Practice: The Ritual of the Righteous Pump
This week, wheelievers, you shall perform the Ritual of the Righteous Pump before thy rides.
Place the board upright and bow thy head, not in prayer, but in respect.
Attach the gauge and read the number without judgment.
Adjust thy PSI according to thy weight, thy riding style, and thy willingness to learn today.
Spin the tire once and listen. Silence is approval.
Declare aloud (or quietly, if neighbors watch): “I ride prepared.”
If someone mocketh thee for checking PSI, smile kindly. They are about to receive their own parable.
Closing Words
From The Epistle to the Chargers, Chapter 2, Verses 10–14
The Wheel forgiveth many sins, but ignorance of air is not one of them.
A rider prepared is a rider preserved.
Therefore inflate wisely, carve gently, and blame not the Round for thy neglect.
Go forth, wheelievers, with firm tires and softer egos.
And may thy PSI be true, thy pushback timely, and thy ride blessed from sidewall to soul.
