Gratitude for Torque: A Harvest of Charge
Delivered humbly by Rev. Kyle the Recalibrated, High Prophet of Pavement
Opening Blessing:
“In the lean days when the battery bar was thin, the people gave thanks,
and behold, the torque was multiplied.”
— Acts of the Axle 11:22
Brothers, Sisters, Wheelievers of all terrains … gather close.
This Sunday we roll into a sacred week, when tables grow long, outlets grow scarce, and casseroles appear in Tupperware like minor miracles. Let us remember the first feast of our faith: the day Pilgrims and their Native neighbors met not merely to eat, but to glide, sharing trails and teaching balance, a Thanksgiving of Charge.
I. The First Feast Was a Group Ride
Forget the paintings of stiff collars and suspiciously shiny pumpkins. Hear the truer tale, O congregation:
The Pilgrims, new to the land and wobbly of stance, found the soil rocky, the winds contrary, and the PSI a mystery. Then came the people of the land, keepers of the paths and readers of the seasons, who welcomed them not with handlebars but with wisdom:
how to follow the grain of the trail, how to lean with the hill, how to read the leaves after rain.
And so they rode together, Wheelievers all, from field edge to shoreline, sharing the cornucopia of charge: sun on the panels, hand-pumps for the tire, a communal fast charger beneath a mast of drying fish. Thus the feast began with glide before it continued with gravy.
“Blessed are they who share their outlets, for they shall never lack a line.”
— Gospel of Grip 3:18
II. The Litany of Thanks
For pushback, that stern deacon who says, “Child, not today.”
We give thanks.
For wobbles, that humble tutor who teaches knees to bend and shoulders to hush.
We give thanks.
For footpad sensors, which occasionally ghost us so that we might discover the sacrament of isopropyl and recalibration.
We give thanks.
For firmware updates, the recipe scrolls of our age—installed at home, with Wi-Fi and snacks, and never on the group ride.
We give thanks.
For 18–22 PSI, the narrow way between squish and ping, carved into our souls like the farmer’s almanac.
We give thanks.
For helmets, pads, and the MIPS of Mercy.
We give thanks (and tighten our chin straps).
III. The Table of Charge (Etiquette for the Feast Week)
Thou Shalt Not Hog the Fast Charger. Ten minutes is mercy; twenty is gluttony. Rotate like a pie on a lazy Susan.
Honor the Household Circuit. If Auntie’s crockpots are many, do not trip the breaker with thy turbo brick. Offer to plug into the garage as a living sacrifice.
Bring a Power Strip as a Peace Offering. For love covereth a multitude of cables.
Test Thy Footpad Before the Post-Dessert Ride. Custards are heavy; so are consequences.
Share Thy PSI Pump. The one who lends the gauge shall be called Peacemaker of the Driveway.
Remember: Gratitude is best expressed as courtesy, measured in time-on-outlet and returned with a rag for wiping leaves off everyone’s footpads.
IV. The Harvest of Charge and the Fast of Pride
After the feast, pride whispers: “Prove thyself. Show Cousin Derek the twenty-two.”
But the Spirit speaketh gently: “Digest first.”
Let speed rest as pie must rest. Take a digestive glide: soft knees, eyes up, light on thy toes. Let the lane be thy lullaby and the cul-de-sac thy psalm. If pushback preaches, say “Amen”, not “Watch this.” For the measure of a rider is not peak wattage, but shared smiles and unbroken elbows.
And if the evening fog rises—slick as cranberry sauce—remember the First Feast: neighbors teaching neighbors, patience instructing zeal, torque serving gratitude. For this is the harvest of charge: not just full batteries, but full hearts.
Closing Words:
Go now, Wheelievers, into a week of tables and trails.
Give thanks for torque, for balance, for friends who know where the good outlets are.
May your batteries be bountiful, your bearings anointed, and your lines as smooth as gravy on mashed potatoes.
Final Blessing:
“Gratitude expandeth range; humility extendeth tread;
and the rider who shares their charge shall never ride alone.”
— Proverbs of PSI 9:2 (Feast Edition)
A-Wheel-men.
