Let There Be Light... Bars: Advent of the Battery
Opening Blessing:
“In the long night of winter, a glow appeared upon the board—
not a star alone, but five small heavens in a row.”
— Book of Bearings 12:01
Brothers, Sisters, Wheelievers of all terrain—gather close.
Thanksgiving has rolled past like a well-timed carve, and Black Friday has left our carts full and our outlets crowded. Now we enter Advent, a season of waiting, warming, and watching the light bars rise. Let us keep a holy December: less clatter, more charge; less hurry, more glide.
I. The First Candle: Range Is Hope
Light one bar and call it Hope. For even a single lumen on the display banishes much anxiety.
When the cold nibbles thy volts, fear not; winter merely asks for patience.
Lower thy PSI a hair for grip, raise thy humility a lot for ice.
Keep thy eyes on the horizon, not on the last 12% like a doomsday clock.
Know this, O flock: the battery is a Bethlehem—small, ordinary, yet bearing wonder when treated with care. Warm it gently before the ride; do not demand miracles from a pack that just came in from the frost.
“Those who wait upon the charge shall mount up with new torque.”
— Acts of the Axle 8:11
II. Prepare Ye the Charge (A December Discipline)
Advent is not only candles; it is preparation. Make straight the path—and the extension cords.
Thou Shalt Trickle, Not Tether the Tree. Do not share a strip with six twinkle strands and the air fryer. Give thy charger a stable manger, its own outlet.
Practice the Fast of Pride. The season tempts with shiny accessories. Ask thy soul: “Do I need a third LED underglow, or elbow pads that actually fit?”
Schedule Thy Firmware in Secret. The star in the app will guide thee, follow it home, not onto the group ride. Bring Wi-Fi and snacks like frankincense and myrrh.
Offer the Peacemaker Power Strip. Arrive at family gatherings bearing a surge protector. Blessed are the sharers; they shall inherit the good wall.
III. “Fear Not”: When Pushback Speaks Like an Angel
Lo, an angel appeared unto the rider and said, “Fear not” and then pushback nudged the faithful at 20%. Heed it. This is no Scrooge; it is pastoral care in a puffer jacket.
On slick corners, let pushback preach and say Amen by easing off.
On low temps, accept the manger-mode of limited power; wrap thy expectations in swaddling clothes.
On late-night returns, remember: nothing holy happens after the second pie and before the warm-up ride. Glide gently. Wave at the inflatable reindeer.
“For the shove that restrains today preserveth tomorrow’s carve.”
— Gospel of Grip 6:3
IV. The Gifts of the Magi: Pads, Pump, and Power
The wise did not arrive empty-handed. Neither should you.
Gold: A helmet with the shine of prudence.
Frankincense: The PSI pump whose gauge sings truth in cold air.
Myrrh: Isopropyl and a cloth to anoint the footpad, that it may know thee and not ghost thee.
Add a fourth gift: a charged battery, for love without watt-hours is just sentiment. Charge not to flaunt, but to share—for December is a group ride masquerading as a month.
Closing Blessing
“Let there be light… bars: one for hope, one for peace, one for joy, one for torque;
and the fifth for grace when the route runs long.”
— Proverbs of PSI 12:25 (Winter Edition)
Go forth, Wheelievers, into Advent’s cool air.
Warm thy packs, bend thy knees, heed thy angels, and keep thy cords untangled.
May your nights be quiet, your bearings anointed, and your range more than enough to get you home to the porch light.
A-Wheel-men.
