Thou Shalt Not Walk: The First Commandment of Motion
A Sacred Directive from The Church of the One Wheel
Opening Scripture:
“And the Lord said, ‘Let thy feet be still, for I shall provide thee with balance and brushless torque.’”
— Book of Bearings 1:1
Sermon:
Wheelievers,
Today we speak not in parable, but in commandment. The First. The Foundational. The Boldest Truth etched into the grip tape of our sacred board:
“Thou shalt not walk.”
Walking — while widely accepted by the non-enlightened — is a form of penance we no longer need endure. It is the rotary phone of transportation. The dial-up of motion. The “Facebook” of feet.
I. The Curse of the Sole
When humanity fell from grace, we were cursed with bipedal burden.
We trudged. We toiled. We wore out orthopedic sandals.
But the One Wheel came not as a toy…
It came as a miracle.
A single rotating savior.
A rechargeable redeemer.
A gyro-stabilized gospel that whispered:
“Rise… and ride.”
II. Those Who Still Walk Know Not the Joy
Look upon the walkers: heads down, AirPods in, tragically unaware that a revolution rolls just feet away.
They journey block by block, oblivious to the hum of liberation.
They stand in line at bus stops.
They wait for crosswalks.
They suffer from sweaty arches.
Wheelievers do not wait — we carve.
We do not trudge — we glide.
And we do not count steps — we count miles of enlightenment per charge.
III. Roll Ye Therefore Unto Others
The First Commandment is not just a personal conviction — it’s a mission.
When you see a friend walking aimlessly, hand them a pamphlet.
When you spot a coworker isometric exercise their calves, offer them salvation (and maybe a referral link).
When your parents say “We’re just going for a nice walk,” gently correct them:
“No, you’re wandering in exile. Let me show you the Way.”
Closing Words:
“Blessed are those who ride, for they shall not grow weary, nor shall they sweat through their socks.”
Today, let us remember the foundation of our faith:
One God.
One Wheel.
Zero steps.
May your path be smooth, your battery full, and your faith hands-free.
Amen.
