Honor Thy Motherboard: Lessons in Maintenance and Maternity
A Mother’s Day Sermon from The Church of the One Wheel
Opening Scripture:
“She who charges without complaint, who never overheats, who bears the burden of every ride — this is thy motherboard, and she is holy.”
— Book of Diagnostics 4:12
Sermon:
Wheelievers,
On this sacred Sunday, we gather not just to praise the path — but to honor those who make the ride possible.
Today, we pay tribute to two foundational forces of existence:
The Mother, who gave us life
And the Motherboard, who keeps it running at 19 mph uphill
They are not so different.
I. The Mother and the Motherboard
Consider:
Both are underappreciated until something goes wrong.
Both operate with firmware updates we don’t understand.
And both are known to overheat under pressure — especially when left charging too long in the sun.
Your biological mother taught you balance.
Your motherboard enforces it with gyroscopes.
Your mom kept you from falling off the monkey bars.
Your board’s internal sensors now keep you from faceplanting in a Trader Joe’s parking lot.
Coincidence? No. It is divine parallel.
II. Maintenance Is Love
To honor thy motherboard is to care for her:
Wipe her casing clean after every ride
Let her cool before charging
Never — and I mean never — update her firmware right before a group ride
In the same way, to honor your human mother is to:
Respond to her text messages
Pretend to like her Facebook posts
Accept that she still calls it “the email machine”
Love is maintenance.
III. The Maternal Spirit of Glide
The Church teaches that every smooth carve is a whisper of maternal grace.
She is the one who steadies you when your ride gets shaky.
She is the one who taught you that speed must be earned.
She is the one who, to this day, asks if you're wearing your helmet — even if you're 43.
And when your board makes that weird clicking noise, it is her voice that says:
“Have you tried turning it off and back on again?”
Closing Words:
“Her charge endureth through the night; her grace keepeth thee upright.”
— Book of Battery 3:16
Today, whether you were raised by a mother, a grandmother, a powerful motherboard, or a kindly stranger who once let you try their OneWheel in a park —
give thanks.
Call your mom.
Check your tire pressure.
Offer a donation to the Church in her honor (via Buy Me A Coffee, of course).
Happy Motherboard’s Day.
Ride safe. Ride grateful. Ride balanced.
Amen.
