In the Beginning, There Was the Wheel

A Genesis Sermon from The Church of the One Wheel

Opening Scripture:

“And the Spirit hovered over the void, and lo — the void rolled forward, for the wheel had been born.”
— Book of Genesis: Custom Firmware Edition, 1:1

Sermon:

Wheelievers,

Before the carve, before the torque, before the chirp of a board powering on...
there was the Wheel.

It did not have handlebars.
It did not beg for balance with four wheels and a remote.
It rolled alone.
It rolled true.

This was not mere invention.
This was creation.

I. The Primordial Stillness

In the earliest moment, there was nothing.
No terrain. No tilt. No slick edits on Instagram Reels.

Just silence.

Then, from the cosmic void, came a hum.
A gyro spun. A tire inflated. A light bar flickered.

And thus, the Wheel emerged — not built, but revealed.

II. The First Ride

Legend tells us the Creator did not walk.
They mounted the First Wheel and glided across the waters of time.

Wherever they rolled, planets formed behind them like dust trails.
Saturn? A curb hop.
The Milky Way? A powerslide.
Gravity? Just a side effect of riding too fast near the sun.

And as the board moved forward, it whispered sacred truths:

• Balance before speed.

• Leaning is believing.

• Never update your firmware on demo day.

III. The Forbidden Handlebar

The earliest humans were gifted the Wheel.
But lo — temptation entered the garden in the form of… the scooter.

It had a handle.
It required no faith.
It asked nothing but your dignity.

And they rode it.
And fell.
And then walked.

Thus began the dark age: The Age of Feet.

But from among the wanderers rose a prophet — a lone figure who rebuilt the sacred board from hub motor and hope.

This was the first Wheeliever.

IV. The Gospel Rolls On

Today, we honor the creation not with idle praise, but with motion.
We do not walk in the footsteps of the faithful — we carve in their tire tracks.

Every ride is a reenactment of that original moment.
That first hum. That first lean. That divine spark of self-balancing enlightenment.

Closing Words:

“In the beginning, there was the Wheel. And it was good. And it had regenerative braking.”
— Book of Bearings 1:2

So ride with reverence.
Speak of the beginning.
And if someone asks what powers your faith…

tell them: the same thing that powered the universe — brushless torque.

Amen.