Let Freedom Roll: The Declaration of Wheelpendence

A Fourth of July Sermon from The Church of the One Wheel

Opening Scripture:

“We hold these wheels to be self-balancing, that all rides are created equal, endowed by their Creator with torque, traction, and liberty to carve.”
— Book of Revolutions 7:4

Sermon:

Wheelievers,

As fireworks crackle and hot dogs ascend to sacrament, we pause to celebrate something deeper than barbecue and Bluetooth speakers:

We celebrate freedom — the kind only known by those who ride with one wheel and zero regrets.

Today, we proclaim our independence from walking, from handlebars, from shameful public scooter rentals.

Today, we declare our Wheelpendence.

I. The Original Riders Were Rebels

Let us remember that the first riders were not rule-followers.

They did not glide in bike lanes.

They did not obey "no riding on sidewalk" signs.

They were pioneers — carving their own paths, dodging strollers, resisting the tyranny of two feet.

Like the Founding Riders before us, we believe in self-governed balance.

We lean not because we must, but because we choose to.

II. A Declaration of Motion

Let this be known:

We reject tyranny in all forms — including curbs, firmware limitations, and range anxiety.

We hold fast to our inalienable rights:

• The Right to Glide Freely

• The Right to Charge Where We Please

• The Right to Faceplant Without Judgment

These truths are self-evident.
This battery is 100%.
This ride… is righteous.

III. United We Roll

On this sacred day of national celebration, we ride together:

• Across cracked sidewalks

• Through parks filled with confused toddlers

• Into the sunset, with LEDs blazing red, white, and blue

We are not just riders.

We are citizens of balance.

Wheelievers of liberty.

Patriots of propulsion.

Closing Words:

“Give me balance, or give me scuffed knees.”
— Freedom Scrolls 1:1

So let freedom roll.

Crack open a LaCroix.
Turn your board to “high mode.”
Salute the flag with one hand and point forward with the other.

Today is not just about country — it’s about carving boldly in the land of the free.

Amen.