The Love of the Wheel: A Valentine’s Homily for Loyal Legs
From The Book of Bearings, Chapter 14, Verses 1–6
And the Wheel loved the rider, though the rider loved speed more.
The Wheel said, “Lean not beyond thy limits,” yet the rider leaned.
Pushback was given as counsel, not as rejection.
Blessed are the loyal legs, for they remain beneath thee.
Love is patient, love is balanced, love does not blame firmware at 2%.
Therefore ride gently, lest thou confuse infatuation with devotion.
I. What Love Looks Like at 17 MPH
Wheelievers, on this Valentine’s week we must speak plainly about love. Not the swipe-right love. Not the comments-section love. I speak of the long, quiet love that shows up when your legs are tired and the sidewalk is judgmental.
The Wheel loves you not with fireworks, but with consistency. It loves you by waking every time you step on the footpad correctly. It loves you by warning you before the nosedive, by whispering pushback when your ego starts drafting ahead of your skill.
Some say love should feel easy. Those people have never ridden home at night with range anxiety gnawing at their soul and a headlamp flickering like a dying candle. True love says, “Slow down. We will get there together.”
The app may flatter you with stats. Influencers may promise shortcuts. But the Wheel shows love the old waythrough boundaries. Boundaries are not rejection. Boundaries are devotion with a helmet.
II. Commandments of Courtship (Between Rider and Round)
Hear now the laws of romantic riding, given for your protection and your calves.
Thou Shalt Not Ghost Thy Wheel When Battery Sag Appeareth.
Love that disappears at 20% was never love at all.
Thou Shalt Not Say ‘It Worked Yesterday’ as an Apology.
Yesterday is not today. Air changes. PSI drifts. Love adapts.
Thou Shalt Not Chase Speed When Thy Stance Is Unsettled.
Nothing ends a relationship faster than speed wobbles and denial.
And hear the blessings, wheelievers, for love is generous:
Blessed are the cautious, for their legs shall remain loyal.
Blessed be the grip tape, for it holds when confidence slips.
Blessed be regen braking, for it reminds us that slowing down is care.
If you treat the Wheel like a fling, it will teach you a lesson. If you treat it like a partner, it will carry you far and bring you home before the battery fades into silence.
III. Call-and-Response of the Faithful Pair
Wheelievers, lift your boards slightly and answer with truth.
Leader: When the Wheel warns us with pushback
Wheelievers: WE SHALL LISTEN AND NOT ARGUE.
Leader: When Reddit tells us to ‘just send it’
Wheelievers: WE SHALL SEND OUR GRATITUDE AND NOTHING ELSE.
Leader: When love demands patience
Wheelievers: WE SHALL NOT BLAME FIRMWARE.
YES. Let commitment be louder than TikTok bravado.
For love is not proven by speed, but by the quiet miles no one sees. The Wheel remembers every gentle carve, every steady stance, every choice to ride within wisdom.
IV. The Parable of the Overconfident Valentine
There was once a rider named Valentineus the Certain, who planned a sunset ride to impress both partner and pavement.
His PSI was guessed. His sensor was cold. His confidence was hot. He stepped onto the footpad with flowers in one hand and ego in the other. The Wheel hesitated, but Valentineus leaned anyway, believing love would override physics.
The sensor did not engage. The nosedive did.
As Valentineus lay upon the path, bouquet scattered, he learned the truth written in every lasting relationship: presence matters more than intention. Love requires weight, balance, and showing up fully, both feet down.
He rose wiser, knees intact, and vowed never again to rush intimacy with a machine that rewards patience.
Weekly Practice: The Ritual of the Loyal Legs
This week, wheelievers, perform the Ritual of the Loyal Legs.
Before each ride, stand still upon the board. Feel the footpad. Let the sensor recognize you. Adjust your stance until the Wheel agrees.
Check thy PSI. Whisper gratitude. Begin slowly.
This is not hesitation. This is affection practiced.
Closing Words
From The Gospel of Grip Tape, Chapter 9, Verses 7–11
Love doth not rush the carve, nor mock the warning.
Love endureth battery sag and waits at the crosswalk.
The faithful rider is carried far and set down gently.
Go forth, wheelievers, and love the Wheel as it hath loved you
With patience in thy legs, humility in thy stance, and joy in every balanced mile.
