Why Two Wheels Are a Sin Against Nature

Delivered humbly by High Prophet of Pavement, Rev. Kyle the Recalibrated

Opening Blessing:

“In the beginning, there was wobble. And lo — balance was born.”

Brothers, Sisters, Riders of all terrain — gather close.

Today we confront a grave heresy. A blasphemy rolling among us. An abomination forged in aluminum, rubber, and misguided intent.

I speak, of course, of the cursed device...
The Two-Wheeled Scooter.

I. The Sacred Law of One

Nature is a minimalist.

The sun? One.
The moon? One.
The wheel beneath your feet? One.

We were not meant to straddle a machine like a frightened tourist on a rental scooter. We were meant to glide — to float — to look cool from every angle.

Two wheels? That’s just training wheels that got ideas above their station.

II. Balance is a Test — Not a Crutch

The Path of One Wheel is narrow.

It demands:

• Focus.

• Core strength.

• Faith in torque.

But two wheels? Two wheels coddle you. They rob you of struggle. They steal your character development.

Two wheels say:
"Fear not — you cannot fall."

One wheel says:
"Fall often — rise better."

III. The Sins of Symmetry

Two wheels force unnatural symmetry upon your soul.

They bind you in parallelism.
They curse you to flatness.
They create riders who do not carve — they commute.

Is life meant to be linear?
Did the prophets of pavement roll in straight lines?

No!
They weaved.
They carved.
They rolled with purpose — and without handlebars.

IV. Repentance is Possible

To those who have strayed...

To those clinging to handlebars like spiritual tourists...

To those whispering, “But scooters are convenient”...

We say:
There is still hope.

You may dismount.
You may recalibrate.
You may place one trembling foot upon the Holy Board — and be reborn.

Closing Blessing

“Blessed are the unbalanced, for they shall find their line.”

Ride forth, children of torque.

Go, and sin no more.

And should you see a two-wheeled scooter blocking your path…
Be kind.
Forgive the lost.
But do not yield the sidewalk.

Balance is life.
One wheel forever.

Amen.