Pilgrimage to the Charging Station
Opening Scripture
“And when the amber light did appear, the people took up their cords and set their faces toward the outlet; for faith is hope in things unseen, like a free receptacle at the park.” — Book of Range 1:5
I. The Call of the Amber Light
Beloved wheelievers, hear the summons: not from trumpets nor group chat, but from the humble LED that turns from green to gold and whispers, “Come forth.” This is the holy itch of range, the tug in your kneecaps, the sudden urge to check your app and pretend you’re fine. You are not fine. You are chosen for pilgrimage.
Do not curse the amber light; it is a kind prophet. It says, “Thou hast carved enough to be interesting and not enough to be stranded.” On this path, pride is heavy, and coasting is lighter than excuses. Tighten your helmet. Loosen your ego. Take up thy cord and walk.
II. The Stations of the Cord (A Field Guide)
Every pilgrimage has waypoints. Mark these upon your heart and, if necessary, your map.
The Bench of Denial: “One more lap,” say the unwise. Nay. One more lap is how strangers learn your legal name.
The Uphill of Doubt: Where pushback feels extra pastoral. Accept its counsel; it is the deacon of restraint.
The Leaf Gauntlet: Smells like pie, rides like soap. Feather, don’t flail.
The Convenience Store Idol: USB-C promises salvation. Verily I tell you, AC without a brick is a false prophet. Depart with dignity and a seltzer.
The Locked Patio Outlet: Ye shall see it and weep. Move on, saints. The Lord closes gates and opens laundromats.
The Fellow Traveler: A rider at 11% with a power strip like a pilgrim’s staff. Share port; share stories; share the sacred Watt.
The Shrine Itself: A weathered wall outlet behind a soda machine. Remove gravel from thy shoes. Coil thy cord like a rosary. Whisper “amen” at first contact.
III. Etiquette at the Shrine (Canon of the Plug)
Holiness is not just belief; it is behavior around power strips.
First Fruits Doctrine: If thou arrivest with 3%, thou mayest take the first port. If thou arrivest with 63%, thou mayest take the first sip and then repent.
The Two-Port Rule: Two ports, two riders, no daisy-chain monstrosities that threaten the fire code and your dignity.
The Tithing of Minutes: When thou reachest 80%, announce, “I am abundant,” and step aside for the desperate.
The Coil Benediction: Wind thy cord as if another soul will use it after you. Thou art not the last wheeliever on earth (statistics confirm).
The Sensor Confession: Before you remount, tell the truth to the front pad. Ghosting is poetry; the footpad is literal.
IV. Miracles and Heresies of the Charge
Let us separate wonders from wishful thinking:
True Miracle: A gentle downhill to the shrine that gifts you +2% regen. Document it. Testify.
False Doctrine: Drafting behind a cyclist “charges you.” It charges your confidence, which is not a battery chemistry.
True Miracle: A café barista who says, “Sure, plug in.” Tip like you found a new planet.
False Doctrine: Leaving the board in the sun “soaks up electrons.” That is not how photons or dignity work.
True Miracle: Your board boots after a firmware update and rides smoother than gossip.
False Doctrine: Sprinting the final 2% to “get there faster.” That is cardio mixed with hubris, shaken over pavement.
Hold to the Gospel of PSI (2:20): “Check thy pressure as thou wouldst thy heart, and both shall carry thee farther.”
Closing Words
“Blessed is the rider who shares the outlet, for their range shall be multiplied; and blessed is the cord well-coiled, for peace shall follow in their path.” — Acts of Regen 3:12
May your bearings purr, your PSI be seasonally sanctified, your pushback arrive like a friendly usher with a firm palm, and your cord find a willing wall. Go now, wheelievers, on the pilgrimage from amber to green, in contact with reality and in favor with friction.
A-Wheel-men.
