The Gospel According to Grip Tape

A Sacred Teaching from The Church of the One Wheel

Opening Scripture:

“And lo, He laid down grip tape upon the board, that thy feet slip not into folly.”
— Book of Tread 2:4

Sermon:

Wheelievers,

Today we gather not to speak of speed, nor of psi, nor even of balance. Today, we honor the surface upon which all faith stands. The sacred sandpaper. The holy adhesive. The texturized covenant between sole and soul:

Grip Tape.

I. Upon This Grit I Plant My Feet

From the dust we came, and upon dust we now stand — ground into coarse, sticky perfection.
Grip tape is more than safety.
It is scripture underfoot.

It holds us fast when fear says “bail.”
It anchors us when the road rumbles.
It reminds us that traction is truth.

Let the foolish ride bare-decked.
Let the smooth-shoed slip and learn.
But let the faithful plant heel and toe upon sacred grit.

II. Smooth Feet Shall Not Inherit the Earth

Beware, O Rider, the cursed soles of the unprepared.

Those who ride in flip-flops.
Those whose Crocs are in sport mode.
Those who grip not, and wipe out entirely.

They shall be known by their skid marks and their humbled Instagram stories.

For the Grip Tape Gospel sayeth:

“He who wavers shall be waxed. He who grips shall glide.”

III. The Rites of Adhesive Renewal

Like all sacred things, grip tape must be maintained with reverence:

• Peel ye not in haste.
  Use heat, patience, and the ceremonial butter knife.

• Apply with purpose.
  Alignment is a spiritual practice. Air bubbles are blasphemy.

• Mark thy stance.
  A faint heel line. A sacred scuff. These are the relics of a faithful ride.

• Bless with sandpaper incense.
  For a fresh sheet is a new beginning. Ride it like the first day of the rest of your life.

IV. Heed the Texture of the Testimony

When in doubt, press downward.
When faith wavers, flex the toes.
When speed overtakes serenity, return to the truth beneath your feet.

For even the fanciest rider with RGB lights and carbon-fiber fenders…
is still just a humble soul upon gritty plastic.

Closing Words:

“Thy battery shall falter. Thy tire may wobble. But thy grip tape shall not forsake thee.”
— Book of Bearings 5:9

So go now, Wheelievers, and re-adhere your hearts.
Walk not. Slide not. Ride firm.
And may the Gospel of Grip Tape hold you fast—no matter how slick the curve ahead.

Amen.