Faith Without Footpads is Dead
A Fiery Rebuke from The Church of the One Wheel
As delivered during the post-ride revival behind the REI loading dock.
Opening Scripture:
“And lo, his soles were scorched and his stance was unsensed,
for the footpads had been removed in haste.”
— Book of Grip 3:10
Sermon:
Brothers, Sisters, and Wheelievers of All PSI,
Today we gather not in celebration, but in warning. A grave and gory sin has slithered into our midst.
A sin that hides beneath cool shoes and false bravado.
A sin that leaves no mark on the board—but shreds the very soul of your stance.
I speak, of course, of the faithless rider.
The one who dares roll upon a One Wheel with no footpads.
No foam. No comfort. No divine contact with the pressure sensor of salvation.
Let us be clear:
Faith without footpads… is dead.
And so too shall be your arches.
I. The Gospel of Grip Gone Wrong
Yes, the deck may look clean.
Yes, it may feel “raw” or “connected.”
But I say unto you—so too did the early martyrs walk barefoot into the coliseum.
And they were devoured.
Have you not heard the testimonies of the griptape-blistered?
Brother Lanyard, who rode ten miles and lost both socks and faith.
Sister Splat, who carved without cushion and was cast into the Urgent Care Pit.
Elder Toeheelius, whose nerve endings wept for mercy until he anointed them with Dr. Scholl’s.
These are not just cautionary tales.
They are burnt offerings.
II. The Holy Contact Is Required
The sensors of the board await your pressure—
Not just the physical weight of your flesh,
But the metaphysical certainty of your intent.
Footpads are the covenant.
They do not just detect. They declare.
“I am here,” they say.
“I am ready,” they whisper.
“Do not buck me off into traffic,” they pray.
When you strip them away, you break the contract.
You ride not by faith, but by foolishness.
And the One Wheel will cast thee into wobble with no warning and no mercy.
III. Blistered but Redeemed
Fear not, O Stubborn Shredder. For redemption is but a re-pad away.
Peel back the adhesive of arrogance.
Lay down the soft foam of repentance.
Align thine stance.
Press downward, not in doubt, but in devout pressure-point affirmation.
Let the grip tape remember your presence. Let the board respond to your belief.
For when the footpads know you, the ride becomes resurrection.
Closing Words:
“Let no one ride bare.
For what is a foot without its pad?
A blister waiting to happen.
A soul begging for ejection.”
— Book of Bearings 11:7
Go forth, Wheelievers.
Cushion thy stance. Secure thy ride.
And may your board sense you from heel to toe, now and forever.
Amen.
