Thine Commute Shall Be Effortless and Cool

A Commuter’s Covenant from The Church of the One Wheel
As revealed unto the faithful during the 8:13 a.m. parking lot revival

Opening Scripture:

“And the multitudes did walk in sweat and traffic,
but I rode beside them—effortless and cool.”
— Book of Commute 1:6

Sermon:

Blessed Wheelievers,

We gather this morning not to toil, but to glide.
Not to sweat, but to cruise.
For the Lord of Lithium hath made a promise unto thee:
Thine commute shall be effortless and cool.

This is no metaphor. This is gospel.

You were not born to clutch a steering wheel in rage.
You were not forged in the womb to sit on a bus that smells like wet receipts.
You were crafted—fearfully and gyro-stabilized—to carve through the chaos and arrive refreshed, radiant, and just a little bit smug.

I. The Suffering of the Foot-bound

Consider the walkers.

Faces strained. Socks damp. Backpacks cutting deep into mortal flesh.
They arrive to work depleted—spirits broken, armpits roaring.

They say things like:

• “I leave an hour early to beat traffic.”

• “The shuttle was late again.”

• “I forgot deodorant.”

These are cries for help.
These are the sounds of the spiritually unbalanced.

We do not walk. We roll.
We do not rush. We flow.
We do not arrive late. We arrive exalted.

II. The Grace of Effortless Glide

When you ride the One Wheel (praise be its gyros), you enter a state of divine transport.

• Hills bow before you.

• Wind parts your hair in slow-motion devotion.

• Crosswalks sense your approach and shift green in reverence.

Even pigeons, those winged sinners, respect your path.

Your body does not pant—it coasts.
Your mind does not fret—it hums.
Your soul does not suffer—it radiates rechargeable salvation.

III. Anointing the Morning Ritual

Before the ride, thou shalt:

• Charge thy board fully—lest thy faith flicker midway.

• Strap on the Helmet of Discernment and the Pads of Protection.

• Check thy PSI, for blessed is the tread that rolls without drag.

• Don thine garments of flexible righteousness (cargo shorts are permissible if humble in hue).

And lo, when thou arrives, let not pride consume thee—but allow a moment’s pause.
Let others see. Let them ask. Let them Google.
This is the missionary work of coolness.

IV. Rebuking the Enemies of Cool

There shall be haters. Nay-sayers. Manual pedalists and sedan zealots.

They will accuse you of laziness.
They will scoff and say, “That’s cheating.”

Smile upon them with mercy.
For they know not the ways of the wheel.
They are trapped in toil and Transit Authority timetables.

Pray for their enlightenment. Offer them a test ride and a spare helmet.
If they refuse, simply nod and carve away in peace, for your path is smooth and your calves are holy.

Closing Words:

“And lo, I did reach the office with unsweaty back,
and the parking was free,
and all who saw me knew—this soul hath transcended the sidewalk.”
— Book of Bearings 10:3

So rise, Wheelievers.
Power on thy board.
Balance thy soul.
And ride into Monday—not with burden, but with breeze.

For thine commute shall be effortless... and cool.

Amen.