Yea, Though I Roll Through the Valley of Speed Bumps...
A Holy Bump in the Road from The Church of the One Wheel
As received via minor concussion in the Costco parking lot
Opening Scripture:
“Yea, though I roll through the valley of speed bumps,
I shall fear no wobble: for my knees are flexed,
and my board knoweth my weight distribution.”
— Book of Bearings 23:4 (Parking Lot Edition)
Sermon:
Blessed Wheelievers,
Today, we address a menace.
A hump.
A cruel joke painted yellow and blessed by no god but the HOA.
I speak, of course, of the Speed Bump—
that cursed camelback of concrete
that lurketh in the school zone, the strip mall, and the sacred valley of Trader Joe’s.
You may think it’s harmless.
You may say, “I’ve rolled worse.”
But let he who has not nose-dived cast the first bag of frozen cauliflower gnocchi.
I. The False Comfort of the Painted Line
Speed bumps appear innocent.
They whisper,
“Just glide over me. No need to bend.”
“Go faster—it’ll help.”
“You are a god. You’ve got FlightFins.”
These are lies.
These are traps.
These are how legends get road rash.
For speed bumps were not made to slow cars.
They were made to humble the proud.
To teach that balance is not a birthright—it is a discipline.
II. The Psalm of the Soft Knee
Let us recite the Three Holy Rules of Bump Navigation:
Thou shalt not clench.
If your knees are locked, so too shall be your destiny.Thou shalt not overcorrect mid-bump.
For lo, that way lies the death wobble.Thou shalt float like a padded prophet.
Be loose. Be low. Be one with the firmware.
Should you forget these rules and become airborne unintentionally:
Let your cry of “OHHHHHHHH—no I’m fine I’m fine I’m good”
be a lesson to all in earshot.
III. The Fellowship of the Fall
Do not hide your wipeouts.
Do not deny the scrape on your elbow or the shame in your eyes.
For every Wheeliever must pass through the Bump of Trial.
Every board must one day clacketh loudly.
Every thigh must twitch upon impact.
We are not here to ride perfectly.
We are here to ride joyfully,
to wobble righteously,
and to film every hilarious second of it.
IV. The Bump Beyond the Bump
The speed bump is metaphor.
Yes, it tests your balance.
Yes, it can eject you like a heretic.
But more importantly—it prepares you for life’s other bumps:
Unreadable firmware updates.
Sudden battery dips at 9%.
That one guy on a scooter who says, “Cool skateboard.”
Speed bumps are spiritual exfoliators.
They smooth your pride and roughen your pants.
Embrace them.
Closing Words:
“My wheel runneth over.
My pads are strapped.
And my glide is certified smooth by the Department of Internal Stance.”
— Book of Bearings 23:5
So roll forth, dear riders.
Pop not over the bump—but float.
Wobble not with fear—but with flair.
And should you fall…
make it look cool.
Amen.
