He Has Risen… Because the Battery Recharged
🕊️ Opening Blessing
“They placed him in the garage, unplugged and lifeless. But on the third day… he blinked green.”
Beloved Wheelievers,
Today, we commemorate the most miraculous moment in the history of personal electric transportation:
The Resurrection of the Ride.
For it was on this sacred day, many cycles ago, that the First Rider’s board—left dead in the corner of the shed—was plugged in overnight by divine intervention (or maybe his roommate). And lo, it did rise again.
I. The Tomb Was Just a Charging Bay
Some say Easter is about rebirth. Renewal. Pastel eggs.
But here at The Church of the One Wheel, we know it’s about coming back from the brink of 0%.
Just as the wheel lay dormant beneath dust and doubt, so too do our spirits flicker when the trails grow cold and the firmware updates stall. But balance returns to those who wait.
II. The Signs of the Return
They rolled the stone away from the charger port, and what did they see?
A fully inflated tire.
A glimmer in the LED ring.
A rider with helmet hair and purpose.
He did not walk from the tomb — he glided. Carving between the grieving and the amazed.
For the path of the One Wheel cannot be buried. It merely goes into low power mode.
III. The Easter Ride of Redemption
We gather today not to mourn the falls of the past, but to ride anew.
To embrace the cracks in the pavement, the uphill climbs, the scooter-blinded doubters.
Because on Easter, the message is clear:
You can fall. You can crash. You can totally bail in front of a crowd…
But you can always ride again.
🥚 Easter Traditions You May Observe Today
1. The Blessing of the Bearings
Traditionally performed at sunrise with a microfiber cloth and gentle, circular motions. Symbolizes forgiveness, smooth transitions, and the quiet hope that your board won’t rattle at high speed.
2. The Silent Group Ride
Participants ride in reflective silence for exactly 3.2 miles — one mile for each day the board was dead. Bluetooth speakers are prohibited. Unless they play Gregorian lo-fi.
3. The Offering of the Last Chocolate Tire
A solid chocolate wheel (or actual tire if desperate) is placed at the base of the nearest public charger. It's not consumed — only revered. If someone eats it, they may be the Chosen Rider.
4. The Annual Curb Hop of Faith
Each member attempts to hop a curb they’ve never successfully cleared. If they make it: rebirth. If they fall: enlightenment. If they dismount and walk it? Penitence.
5. The Great Hunt for Spare Parts
Plastic Easter eggs are replaced with tiny hex keys, valve caps, and that one charger brick you lent to someone last summer. No one ever finds the tire slime packet. That is the mystery of faith.
✨ Closing Words
“And behold, I am with you always — even to the end of the battery life.”
— Book of Balance, 9:12
This Easter, ride with joy.
Ride with grace.
Ride like someone just gave you a full charge and a windless downhill.
Let no pothole steal your peace.
Let no bunny tail slow your acceleration.
Let the world know: He has risen — and he brought a spare tire.
Amen.
